Fight the Fear
On June 6th we headed to the airport at 3 in the morning and arrived in Barbados at 3 in the afternoon. This day was not like our first time going where it was all peaceful and surreal. Having to be up so early we were tired and hangry. The ATL airport is hit or miss on hospitality. I got yelled at for trying to order an iced coffee at 5a, that they are not Starbucks, so they don't do that. I was so shocked by her response to me...I just was not real sure why I was being yelled at. I ordered from the menu but wanted it iced - I assumed she wasn't having a great morning, maybe she was tired too, who knows. On our flight we experienced some pretty bad turbulence, but all was okay. I watched the movie, Wonder, while in the air. WOW! What an amazing movie, I cried ALL the tears. If you haven't seen it, just see it you will love it. When I watch a movie like this about children and life lessons those are the moments I hope for when I think about being a parent. I think about having those conversations with my kids about being the bigger person or how to be kind to others and I so look forward to the day to teach my children the beauty of being different and all the beauty of this world.
Once we arrived in Barbados we were greeted with hugs by our favorite cab driver RC who picked us up during our first stay. I felt at home. We were right where we were suppose to be! We stayed in the same place we had last time, Rosebank Apartments. This time our room was bigger which was nice and also had better access to wifi!
Since the FET process is much shorter we only had to be there for a short time. So, we flew in on the 6th, had an appointment for a scan on the 7th, then transfer day the 8th, and fly back to GA on the 9th!
When we arrived at our appointment on the 7th we were greeted by Cyrilene with her best hugs and then taken back to have the scan with Anna. Everything looked as it should for our scan, so we were ready for transfer on June 8th @ 10:30a! Anna chatted with us for a sec and let us know that we have done everything we can and now it is up to the embryos - we addressed the endo with lupron, we addressed the elevated killer cells with prednisolone, and all the other things we are doing or did had gotten us to where we have an optimal environment for our embryos.
As we walked away from the clinic, CJ turned and told me to stop worrying, he knew without me saying a word. Something happened when we walked out and I was in a funk. I'm not sure what changed. Everything seemed to be on track and where it should be, but I think I got scared. Before we arrived in Barbados I think I was protecting myself with positivity. Telling myself this is it, this is happening because we have done everything we can. Every bit that is in our control we have done. Now its just up to the embryos...when Anna said that to me I think I felt protective. I want to help my babies get to where they need to be healthy and thriving. I'm sure that's how mothers feel on a day to day basis. Just like children - you can provide a home, strong values, good morals, but it is ultimately up to your child to be who they will be. So, I decided as we sat on the beach that I can't be scared or doubt their strength. I must have faith in them to be strong and thrive with CJ and I rooting for them the entire way. I won't let fear play a role in how I feel about our embryos because I believe they are strong and I believe in the hope we hold in our hearts that this will work.
Fear is always in our minds because of the let downs we have faced throughout our journey, but the most beautiful wonder of defeating fear is the ability to open your heart again and again to possibility, to hope, and to love.