Don't Put All Your Eggs in One Basket
I couldn’t breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't laugh, I couldn't love. I lost myself. I lost myself in a world of despair and angst, a world of jealousy and envy. I lost myself in a world I no longer recognized. It was dark and twisty, full of toxic air that I had created - it was suffocating.
Putting all my eggs in one basket… pun intended... Left me with a lack of perspective, a lack of understanding what life could be. That was the plan - get married, enjoy a year or so, and then have kids. While mapping out your life and your desires there really isn't a place where you stop and say, we should write a contingency plan in case it doesn't go how we hope. It isn't get married, enjoy a year or so, and then fight like hell to have the children you have always dreamed you would have. We unfortunately are left with the course this life takes us. Ultimately, even though it feels like you are 100% out of control, you have all the control.
It is okay to be scared, it is okay to worry. It is not okay to be consumed.
Consume by definition:
Definition: (of a feeling) absorb all of the attention and energy of (someone).
We get consumed because we are scared, we feel out of control, and we obsess to try and understand. When to be concerned is when you stop being scared. When you stop being scared you realize that you have nothing to lose. If you have nothing to lose then what are you fighting so hard for. The catch, though, how to balance the fear and the fight.
After my last preliminary test coming back fine, I flipped a switch. It was the point of madness, where all you can do is laugh. I honestly could not do it anymore... So, I said “fuck it.
To say fuck it, is powerful. I have said it many times through the journey, but to mean it is damn near liberating. I stopped thinking of myself as only this one idea, bearing children. I began to look at myself again as a woman. A strong, beautiful, confident woman...and asked myself what do I want, if I can’t have this life I mapped out so effortlessly, what do I want.
I took myself out of the box I put myself in - I am not just a woman struggling to have a child, that doesn't sum me up. That is just a part of me, it is not all of me. I took some time to get to know me again, and I am relieved to find out that I still genuinely like me. I found that nothing really changed in what I wanted from this life, I was just so consumed I forgot...
I forgot that I want to travel.
I forgot how passionate I am about building up and motivating others.
I forgot how much fun it is to just hang out with my husband.
I forgot how much I need and love my friends.
I forgot how to be present.
I forgot how to not wear a mask.
I forgot that I want to advance my career.
I forgot how to let my hair down and be carefree.
I forgot how it feels to love fearlessly.
I forgot not just about me, but about everyone.
When I first began to think this way, I felt selfish for focusing on what I want, and I justified that because I thought I somehow earned the right to be selfish. What I realize now...is that I am not selfish now, but I was before. I chose to be trapped in a world I created.
If I believe anything at all, it is that life is what you make it. You write your own story with the choices you make and the ones you don’t. There are moments good, bad, and downright evil that will chip away pieces of you if you let it. Don't forget like I did, but if you do fight like hell to remember who you are and who you want to be.
I promise... You will like you.
I fear what the future holds for me in regards to having children, but I will fight for that while still living my life to the fullest.