Deciding on IVF = Grief & Relief
Deciding on IVF was the first step, but I didn’t know that I would feel the way I did as we awaited our February cycle. Deciding was easy, once I knew I was ready it was very clear to me but it did take time for me to get to that place. I don’t think there is really any advice I can give, but to trust your gut and you will know when you are emotionally ready for IVF. What I didn’t expect was to feel so emotional leading up to it. There were two different emotions I felt - grief and relief.
Lets start with grief, this one was hard for me to really understand. It is as if I have to emotionally prepare myself for if this does not work. What will that look like? What will that feel like? I am a planner at heart; my worst and best trait. For my sake to feel truly prepared I have to be ready for both outcomes. I have to be ready for the chance that IVF the first time may not work. I have to prepare myself for what that might feel like, I have to protect myself. Regardless it will hurt, but having a plan ensures that I am not blindsided. It ensures that I am ready for this and I can handle it. I, clearly, am very open about our infertility, but especially with those closest to me. I tell them the day of my blood work and when we should know, so on that day if it doesn’t work those people are there. They are there for me, I cannot push them away, I cannot pretend everything is fine, I have to be honest and lean on them.
My mother in law always says you have to talk to at least 3 people about an issue or feeling before you can let it go. You get 3 different perspectives, but you also then have at the least 3 people you can lean on and 3 people who you trust. I am very fortunate to have more than 3. I have my family and I have my friends which in all reality are my family. My family supports me with words and knowing that I can just burst into tears if I need to and my friends, well in times that it wasn’t our month, my husband and I were greeted with Crown and ginger ale (not the small bottle either). Our friends knew how to help us feel normal during a time when nothing feels normal. It is this support system that has helped us to the point we are at today.
Now, for the upside, relief. Relief in the fact that we have made a choice and not stuck in the grey area of deciding whether IVF is right for us. Relief in knowing we are giving this our best shot in a way that is suited for us. Mostly, relief in the feeling of genuine hope again. We are moving forward and have a plan for our future for now and that is a huge relief.
We will continue to work through the grief, prepare, hope, and find relief in our decision for this part of our journey.